Purple Wombat
by Lady Merlin
Summary: House tells a story to the gang. Inspired by a real friend who got beaten up after telling this story. Remarkably House-like. Oneshot, no ship. Humour


This is based on a story told to me by a senior when we were emceeing together. I wanted to slap him after he told me this, and it occurred to me that this is the kind of thing House might do. Please don't slap me!?

House grinned and called in his fellows.

"Hey guys, I have a story to tell you. Just hang on a moment, Wilson's on his way. I want him to hear this." They all had a sinking suspicion that House was about to tell them something really, really bad.

Wilson slammed in and looked around for whatever House had told him. He realised quickly that he's been played (again) and rolled his eyes. Hard. House grinned and told him to park, he had a story.

"Okay, so this is a story about a young boy."

"Is it a patient?" Cameron asked, whipping out her notepad. She's used enough to House to expect this, but not that used to be able to predict it.

House shrugged annoyingly. "Okay, so it's about this young kid, and he's in school one day, and he's not really paying attention."

Everyone was paying attention, knowing House didn't gather them without reason. Generally. Perhaps this would be another _'moral'_ story, and everyone would get some lesson out of it.

"He was doodling on his paper, when suddenly he heard his teacher say _Purple Wombat_. The whole class was like, _yeah, yeah, purple wombat._"

Everyone turned to Chase, who shrugged, not having a clue.

"So, if you're done ogling at Chase," everyone (minus Cameron, who ogled a wee bit more) objected and he ignored them. "He was damn curious and asked his teacher, _What's a purple wombat?_"

"The teacher gasped and unable to fine a word to reprimand him, she dragged him out of the classroom and dumped him at the Principle's office."

Everyone looked puzzled now. "The Principle opened the door, and let the boy in. He knew the boy was good, if a bit simple, and asked him, _Why are you here son?_"

"The boy replied, _I just asked a question,_ defensively, because he really had no clue. So the Principle asked _What question?_ And the boy replied, _I just asked what a purple wombat is…_ The Principle was furious and yelled at the boy, _How dare you! You are a disgrace to all good students in this school! A disgrace to the school itself! I'm calling your father!_"

Now, there was no doubting the confusion in the room. Some of the most brilliant minds in the hospital were thinking to the end of their limits, but to no avail. House grinned. However, House was completely unaware that he was a damn good story teller, and was telling the story with sound effects and different voices and everything.

"So, the father came all the way to school to pick the boy up, and they drove home in silence. Once they reached home and were sitting around the dining table, the father asked, _Well, boy, what did you do that I had to come down there to fetch you? _And the boy said, defensively again, _I just asked what a purple wombat is…_ The father stood up and knocked over the chair. _After all these years in my home, _he roared, _you don't know what a Purple Wombat is? Shame on you! You go up to your room without dinner tonight!_"

House was now thoroughly enjoying himself. He wished he had a video camera. Everyone was transfixed.

"So the boy went up to his room and went to sleep, wondering what on earth a Purple Wombat could be. Suddenly, as he was sleeping, he heard a voice and woke up. The voice said, _I am the Purple Wombat! Follow me!_ So the boy, being a bit dull, followed the voice into the night."

Wilson readjusted himself to perch forward on the chair, and Cameron gripped Chase's hand. Foreman was holding his breath.

"And the voice led him to, and through a forest, and all the way to a lake. There was a small canoe on the edge of the lake, and without a second thought, the boy got on the boat and started rowing. He followed the voice by every now and then asking _Where are you, purple wombat? _And the voice would always reply, _I'm here,_ and so the boy would follow."

He paused for effect. Now even Wilson was holding his breath. Now he would have to rely very heavily on his skill of not laughing in the most ridiculous of situations.

"Soon enough, the boy felt that he was right below, or above the voice. And he asked, _Purple Wombat, I'm here!_ And the voice replied, _I'm right behind you!_"

Now Cameron was clenching Chase's hand and yet he didn't look away from House. Foreman looked very much like he wanted to hold someone's hand too, and House thought, _Chicken. _

"So, the boy stood up."

_Pause_

"And he turned around," and here, House gasped quietly, as if he himself was shocked by the revelation.

There was an even more pregnant pause. The tension was thick, the office pin drop silent. He wondered what would happen if someone slammed in. he hoped Cameron screamed, or peed herself, or something. That would be _priceless_.

"And then, suddenly," (yet another pause and a deep breath), "The boat toppled over and the boy drowned. The End," House said, all in one go.

He gave two seconds for it to register, and then another two for reaction time.

Foreman was fastest, "WHAT?" he roared, and all the others followed in protest. House was too busy rolling around in laughter to respond to their protest. He laughed and laughed and laughed until tears came out of his eyes, and still the crowd was furious.

"No, Gregory House, you will NOT do this to me," Wilson said, stamping one foot down, ignoring raised eyebrows for the use of his full name. "Tell me what the Purple Wombat is, or I'll kill you. I'll shred you myself."

House laughed some more. He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Wilson kicked his good shin. "Oi, House. You bastard, what happened?"

House was unable to reply. He had just noticed the look on Chase's face, it was a look of ultimate betrayal. He looked like someone had taken his heart out and chopped it into itty bitty pieces. It made House very happy.

Foreman stomped out, and Cameron sat there, still trying to wheedle it out of him. She didn't seem to be able to accept that that was it, it was the end of the story, and that there was no more. Not one line. Even House didn't know what the purple wombat was. But it didn't seem to register.

Wilson and Chase left in a huff, silently vowing to never speak to the man again (because this kind of stuff _does_ evoke similar feelings). Cameron stayed there, trying to dream something up before she died of heartbreak (because this kind of stuff _can_ break your heart).

House wondered what Cuddy would say. He hoped she wouldn't fire him, he thought as he made his way to her office.

Well? What do you think? Please don't hate me!? Go tell this to your friends—guaranteed laughter. :D Review!!

Love,

Lady Merlin


End file.
